Shundo David Haye – Zen Priest

‘I can see now that I am recreating with her the dynamic I have carried since my early years, of feeling that I was the grownup taking care of everyone else – the one holding the key – rather than the child who needed care and worried about her poorly dad. This was a way to feel in control of a situation that was quite overwhelming and frightening for me.

This dynamic that shapes many of my relationships – of seeking to be the one who offers care and never the one receiving it – is so hard to lay to rest because it protects me from awareness of my own vulnerabilities. It is far more comfortable than actually being in touch with my own needs – but it comes at a cost. Because the part of me that does need attending to, that yearns for care and attention, goes neglected.

When this comes alive in my analysis, and I realise how I’ve been pushing her away, it is particularly galling. I am literally paying my analyst to show me how I’m not letting her help me. But I know it’s money well spent; this understanding is essential for me to build a better life…

It is an astonishing moment when a patient realises the patterns that haunt so many of their relationships are emerging in the consulting room with me – but this time, in a space and with a person where things can be understood and worked through, and a better life can be built. The patient can begin to make different, more conscious choices.’ (from the Guardian)