Shundo David Haye – Zen Priest

‘A pioneering systematic review on the impact of childhood verbal abuse by adults published this week suggests that over 40% of children are exposed to verbal aggression, verbal hostility or harsh verbal discipline from adults around them. For half, the experience is at least weekly – and for an unfortunate 10%, it is a daily experience.

Using words to intimidate, shame and control may appear less obviously harmful than bodily threat, but the same risks accompany this misuse of language: low self-esteem, increased nicotine, alcohol and substance use, increased risk of anxiety, depression, even psychotic disorders. We know from hundreds of studies and this new systematic review that exposure to verbal abuse profoundly affects children, and is associated with persistent psychological distress; complex emotional and relational difficulties; physical as well as mental disorders; increased likelihood of recreating abusive situations in their lives (eg finding a partner who is abusive to them); and finding themselves repeating the abuse with others. Additionally, exposure to abusive language between others, for example interparental verbal violence, can carry the same risks for children’s mental and physical health as abusing them directly…

If we really want to “teach” our children to behave, we need to be kind, show appreciation, find the good amid the naughtiness, be as alert to effort as we are to signs of idleness, and be far more ready to praise than find fault. Decades of evidence from studies of socialisation are unequivocal: punishment is ineffective. Our prisons re-traumatise many already crippled by trauma. Not surprising that recidivism dominates over correction.

Supporting parents to deliver positive, consistent, rule-based parenting, even with wayward children, works to prevent antisocial behaviour. In ordinary parenting, it is finding ways to praise our children when they do something we like, rather than holding them to account for what they do wrong, that helps shape their behaviour and personality. Attention, warmth and kindness pay dividends. Excessively harsh words undermine attachment and trust, devaluing subsequent efforts at correction.’ (from the Guardian)