At The End Of January

There has been an uptick in the number of visitors and page views to this blog in the last little while, so thank you for being here. I hope you are finding useful things to read and reflect on, and please be in touch if you like.

I have been compiling this for a little more than ten years now, since I transitioned out of fifteen years of residential practice at Zen Center. I did recently re-read one of my earliest posts, reflecitng on how it felt to be suddenly unscheduled, and that certainly feels a long time ago now.

At the end of this week, I am feeling a little tired. It’s not that I am overly scheduled, though I generally have things to do every day. This is one of the rare weekends where I have not put anything in my calendar for three days – not roams at any rate – but I still have five or six hours of work to do, to get some more dharma talks posted, and to do my monthly Core meditations.

As with any modern life, there is the feeling of being pulled in many directions, planning for events that are going to be happening sooner or later, worrying about things that aren’t confirmed yet – like buying tickets for a trip to England in four months.

Alongside this, of course, anger and frustration at the depressing news around the country, as the norms I grew up with seem to have become unfashionable, and lying, deceit, hatred and violence are practised and praised in the highest halls.

When I notice these kinds of frayings, I try not to let tension or irritation spill over. I try to remember to soften and enjoy the enjoyable things – like hosting the Thursday evening online group for Zen Center, and riding in short sleeves on the warm afternoons we have mostly had this week (along with a spot of overnight rain and a sternly cold wind for the roam last Sunday). I have posted the transcript of my words on Thursday evening to my Patreon page – though I was mainly revisiting the thoughts I shared here on Tuesday.

A year ago, we were in England, celebrating my mother’s 90th birthday. She would have been 91 today, and we will commemorate her in some way we haven’t decided yet. I just heard that my father’s older brother has just died as well. I am grateful that so many in my family have lived long lives.