Shundo David Haye – Zen Priest

‘We practitioners venerate the present moment. But when the present moment doesn’t feel beautiful and flowing, like leaves changing with the seasons, we get confused. When it just means wrenching pain and despair, we want to move on. But it turns out that actually experiencing despair is radically different from visualizing it beforehand with fear and deciding you can’t face it. When it’s actually true that the past is gone forever and the future you can imagine is even bleaker than this moment, you’re more willing to sink into now. I took refuge in my straightforward activity, my slow, deliberate motions, and did not attach to any results, simply because I couldn’t bear any more loss, or even the possibility of loss. I never thought, “Someday I will be well again” because that thought would have been unbearable. I never allowed my mind to wander back to the strong body I had lost, because that image involved unendurable pain. So, I stayed in my breath and my motion, afraid at first to look to the right or to the left. When I became well enough to interact, my contacts with people took place on the same primitive level. Standing there with someone, sharing their breath, feeling them permeate my chest and belly, I stayed in their company until some restlessness impelled me to move on. This made interaction very immediate, very real.’ (Alive to It All)